Cinematical

I grew up reading Charlotte's Web and watching Mister Ed and the Francis (the Talking Mule, with Donald O'Connor) movies on TV, so I have a very warm spot in my heart for talking animals. They can inspire wondrous flights of fantasy, lift the spirits with good-natured humor, and lead to a deep and abiding respect for nature and the environment.

Of course, watching the Yogi Bear cartoons once made me think I could take on a black bear foraging for food at our family's camping site in Yellowstone National Park -- I was six years old and had to be physically restrained -- so I can see the down side as well. Still, dozens of animated films have made it abundantly clear that it's possible to lend human voices to the animal kingdom without dumbing the material down to idiocy and, when done right (Babe, Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey, Joe's Apartment), live-action talking animals also deserve to be a treasured part of our cinematic heritage.

But not these. Here are seven (mostly) live-action movies featuring talking animals that attack our sense of what makes a movie good.

7. Underdog (2007)

When Hollywood screws around with my cherished childhood memories, I strain to give them the benefit of the doubt. There's no excuse, though, for this abomination of a movie. I realize that Wally Cox's dweeby voice would be impossible for someone else to replicate, but Jason Lee? Really?! A huge chunk of the original cartoon's charm was the very simple (cheap) animation, which relied upon the writers to come up with witty things for the actors to say. None of that was transplanted to the live-action movie and I can't imagine any children looking back fondly upon this version of Underdog in the future.

(As a way of welcoming my very favorite month of the year, I thought it would be fun to reprint one of the very few good articles I've ever written. So here it is!)

By: Scott Weinberg

House of Wax, starring Paris Hilton. The Fog, starring Wooden Superman. The Amityville Horror, starring Van Wilder.

Yep, it's tough to be an old-school hardcore horror fan these days, what with all the really atrocious remakes that keep flopping off of the studios' assembly lines. (If you paid money to see When a Stranger Calls, you're either one devoted horror fan -- or a really bored high school kid.) But since the Horror Fan is nothing if not loyally optimistic, we trudge off to each successive remake with a small kernel of hope -- maybe this one won't suck the proverbial egg. So while it's perfectly logical for a passionate horror geek to throw up his/her hands and shriek "Ack! Horror remakes! They all suck!!" -- the simple truth is that they don't all suck. The good ones are just pretty darn few and far between.

7. Night of the Living Dead (1990)-- Splatter-master Tom Savini got the chance to direct his own remake of Romero's all-time classic back in 1990, and -- whaddaya know? -- he did a pretty solid job of it! With extra gore dripping from the floorboards and the presence of genre favorites Tony Todd & Bill Moseley, this re-visit came long before the Remake Renaissance, but I think it still holds up pretty well today.

"Well, you tried it just for once, found it all right for kicks.
But now you found out that it's a habit that sticks,
and you're an orgasm addict." – The Buzzcocks

The new movie Choke, adapted from the Chuck Palahniuk novel, is about a sex addict (Sam Rockwell) who, in one element of the plot, hooks up with other sex addicts who attend the same Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings as him. Ah, the irony. The same thing happened to Sam Malone on Cheers, if I'm not mistaken, which makes the joke around 20 years old. Yet, despite that fact, sexual addiction as a term and a (non-DSM-recognized) medical problem seem fairly new to cinema.

Sure, there have been sex addicts in films for many decades, but they were more likely to be described as nymphomaniacs, lechers or typical men. Think of Dorothy Malone in Written on the Wind, a number of the female characters created by Tennessee Williams and certainly the locked up nymphos in Shock Corridor. In the past few years, however, there have been a slew of actual "sexaholics," both male and female, though some aren't exactly referred to in such a manner.

It is inevitable -- any form of art will, at some point, turn inwards. Instead of focusing on other forms of life, the form will attempt to reveal itself -- whether exploratory and serious or sarcastic and mocking. In Hollywood, the camera has spun inwards countless times. Sometimes it's earnest, but most often it's a great serving of satire and irony.

There are a ton of great examples of this, from Boogie Nights to Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, Strange Brew to The Big Lebowski. If I had 50 slots, I could make this comprehensive, but I only have seven. So you're getting the best mock-filled flicks of this century -- films ranging from the year 2000 all the way to 2008. Check them out after the jump, and weigh in with your picks below.

WARNING: The following videos are NSFW. They contain, among other things, violence and foul language. Watch at your own risk.

When it was announced that Keira Knightley would be starring in the new film The Duchess, complete with all kinds of period dresses, folds, furbelows, corsets, bodices, hoops, ringlets, hats, big hair and heaven knows what else, the general response was: "what, again?" We can only guess whether Keira herself said the same thing, or if she simply took to the new costume like a beautiful, slender swan to water. Here's a rundown of Keira's other period, costume epics, ranging from worst to best:

7. Silk (2007)
Keira's most snore-inducing movie, though it's a close call. She plays Hélène Joncour, who has virtually nothing to do while her hubby is off having adventures in exotic lands. Her costumes are merely plain, with the occasional straw hat. If I remember correctly, she sometimes wears gardening gloves. Yawn.

6. Doctor Zhivago (2002)
Playing the bourgeois-born Lara, Keira got to wear ultra-romantic big fur hats and headscarves in this TV movie. How better to seduce the lucky doctor? All she needed was some big fuzzy "Ugg" boots.

Are you ready to see Robert De Niro and Al Pacino as partners in Righteous Kill? Is it the casting pair-up you've been waiting 35 years for? Or does it feel too strange to watch a whole movie in which they're all buddy buddy? Perhaps you were fully satisfied with their showdown as enemies in Heat, even though the esteemed veteran actors had much less screen time together. Personally, I like the idea of them going head to head better, but that's mainly because they're both such huge figures that having them team up seems a bit unfair to the other side. As enemies they're like the Incredible Hulk and the Abomination or Iron Man and Iron Monger, to compare them with recent superpowered showdowns in cinema.

It's difficult to choose the better actor of the two, or even decide who's been the more successful Hollywood player. De Niro's been in a lot more films, but his ratio of bad films to good might have suffered as a result. Meanwhile, they've both arguably become too much of caricatures of themselves, to the point where it's sometimes hard to tell which performances are intentional self-parodies and which are accidental. However, despite the difficulty of pitting De Niro against Pacino for a general comparative showdown, there are a number of easily corresponding roles among them. So, just for fun, I've come up with seven specific character showdowns, chosen my pick for which is the better performance, and invite you all to vote on your favorite, whether you agree or disagree with my own.

After the jump ... De Niro vs. Pacino -- it's on!

You could probably tell if you got me on the phone: I had some severe oral surgery just a few days ago. It was a long time coming (stemming from a genetic calcium deficiency, a nasty fall during Labor Day weekend, and years of simple stupidity on my part), it was very unpleasant, and ... it's over. Aside from the healing process, that is, which is often more uncomfortable than the actual procedures. (If you're reading these words, go brush your teeth right now. Seriously. I'll wait.) So since I'll be spending the next several days drinking soup and popping cocktails made of Vicodin and antibiotics, I'll also need a big stack of "comfort movies" to make me feel better. And to make myself feel even better than that, I choose to share those movies with you.

So if you're low, cranky, depressed, ill, miserable, or simply recovering from a dental procedure that makes Marathon Man look like Mr. Mom, try some of these on for size. Odds are you've seen 'em already, but each one has some sort of magical healing power that I'm very grateful for.

Finding Nemo -- This is my #1. Whenever I can't sleep, have a headache, or am convalescing from endodontic agony, there's just something so sweetly soothing about this movie. Perhaps the underwater locale has something to do with it, but Finding Nemo always chills me out. And if you've ever met me, you know how valuable a movie like that can be. I even like the dentist, and that's saying something.

The Fellowship of the Ring -- The early stuff in Hobbiton is so damn beautiful ... and that music! Plus, the idea of starting off on a VERY long adventure reminds me of watching movies as a kid (when every movie seemed four hours long), and that's a very valuable power for a movie to possess.

The Princess Bride -- 'Nuff said.

Can everyone guess where I am right now, and what I'm doing? I'm very thankful that the New Orleans airport has free wireless available while I wait for an airplane crew to show up for my flight, so I can return to sunny Austin. In the meantime, I have a laptop and Internet access and a stack of DVDs to watch. I am prepared. I can watch movies indefinitely if necessary, especially if I can get Hulu or Netflix's Watch Instantly cranked up.

I have a few suggestions for packing / purchasing / (legally) downloading movies to watch on your laptop or other device in an airport or on a plane. Pick at least one or two movies that are old familiar favorites. Sometimes when you're stuck in a terminal with poor food choices, a "comfort movie" can be your very best friend. In addition, I find it difficult to listen clearly to movies on an airplane or even in a noisy terminal (you don't want the sound too loud, so you can hear updates on your flight's delay), so it's best to pick something where you already know what's going on and don't need to catch every last nuance of dialogue. Big goofy action films and physical comedies have an advantage over talkier films where you have to pay attention.

In compiling this list of specific recommendations, I tried to avoid the overwhelmingly obvious choices for watching movies in airports -- personally, I don't want to watch disaster films at times like this, or even spoofs of disaster films like that timeless comedy Airplane. The Terminal and Snakes on a Plane also a little too close for comfort. I thought instead of lighter fare, with scenes that emphasized the fantasy world of airline travel, good or bad, and the magic of escapism. Next time, I'm tucking a few of these in my laptop bag myself.

A few years back everyone was going crazy with the "re-discovery" of Johnny Depp -- just because the longtime performer scored a hit with a big-budget blockbuster. But movie geeks who grew up in the '80s and '90s were left a little bit confused by all the buzz. "Uh," we mused, "Johnny Depp's been kicking ass for over two decades now, and it takes the BOX OFFICE to tell us he's so cool??" And this summer it's Mr. Robert Downey Jr. After his powerful one-two punch of Iron Man and Tropic Thunder (and the Oscar-friendly The Soloist right around the corner), everyone seems to be falling all over the actor.

Granted, the actor's unpleasant history with drugs and prison certainly makes for a great "comeback" tale, and Downey really deserves it ... but even at his lowest and most drug-addled moments, this guy was delivering very good performances. I'll skip the obvious ones of Less Than Zero (his breakout) and Chaplin (his Oscar nom), but just to remind you that there was a lot of life before Tony Stark and Kirk Lazarus, I offer you seven of my very favorite Robert Downey Jr. performances.

Weird Science (1985) -- I distinctly remember seeing this movie during its theatrical run, and during the scene in which Downey dumps a slushee onto the heads of our heroes, I thought "This actor plays a really good jerkface." Little did I know I was watching the future Iron Man bully nerds -- plus his character was the one who recommended that "virtual girl" Kelly LeBrock receive "larger breasts," although that's not a direct quote from the film. (Bonus performance: Bill Paxton as ANOTHER big jerk.)

Despite having starred in a series of spoofs that have together raked in over $400 million on the domestic front, it still doesn't feel like Anna Faris is quite the household name she deserves to be. All dollar signs aside, this comedienne has that endearing mix of whip-smart comic timing, goofy mugging, general hotness (what?), and a sense of self-awareness in even her ditziest roles. Time will only tell if tomorrow's release of The House Bunny will formally launch her into the ranks of, say, Reese Witherspoon after Legally Blonde, but even if she doesn't, here's at least seven reasons why she'll always be our funny bunny.

1. Cindy Campbell in Scary Movie 3 (2003)

Say what you will about this parody franchise, but it's been a minor blessing that Faris keeps coming back to ground these puppies from evaporating into pure irrelevance... although it's pure irrelevance that keeps me coming back to this one in particular. Call it a guilty pleasure if you must, but there are glorious non sequiturs a-plenty that help me cope with the slapdash plot and already dated pop culture riffs (oh, right, Simon Cowell, he's that guy...). Naturally, not the least of the credit goes to Faris, who, as the aloof reporter/single mom, is just as inept at either job as we'd like her to be.

Without fail, at least once a month I peruse my DVD collection looking for a solid film focused on a female star -- a film where the woman is smart and successful, a film that focuses on something other than her romantic foibles. It's like I think wishing for there to be more films that fit "The Rule" will create a whole slew of new selections in my library. If only ... But there aren't a horde of these films to pick from, so that often means picking something of the romantic variety, often with a side of comedy.

But oh, the woes of romantic comedies. These days the term usually meets the following criteria: women acting irrationally, men being jerky, unbelievable occurrences taking place over and over again -- you know, all those super-fun stereotypes that every damn romcom these days seems to latch onto.

However, there are some romantic comedies out there that cater to those outside the throngs who thrive on fashion-obsessed ladies and relationship stereotypes. Sure, the films might get sappy or take an easy laugh here or there, but they also showcase a variety of relationships and romantic scenarios without falling into that typical void. These films work for a variety of themes -- the fantasy, the lesbians, the intellectuals, the music lovers, the single people, the passion fiends, and the lovers of foreign film -- and prove that romance is about a lot more engaging, and a lot more real, than many movies might suggest.

When the 1932 Olympics hit LA, it began a long history of synergy between the games and the movie business. That synergy led to Zhang Yimou, China's answer to William Wyler, who gave the recent opening ceremony all due pageantry. Over the years, the Olympics contributed to the movies, foaling movie stars by the ton. The games were a casting call whenever one needed someone as chunky as a wrestler or as slender as a swimmer, or Tarzan, who I guess is a combo of swimmer and wrestler. My favorite will always be Harold "Oddjob" Sakata, silver medalist in the light-heavyweight weight-lifting competition at the 1948 Olympiad. Defamer.com has the more tragic roster of Olympians who pursued cinematic careers like those of Mitch Gaylord and Bruce Jenner. The games have foaled classic documentaries, too, the most well known example is Leni Riefenstahl's 1938 Olympia. Yet there have been these lesser known pictures about this world-wide fest:

For me, it started with the deaths of comedic greats like Lucille Ball and Jackie Gleason. Death had become real and tangible, making the world and showbusiness finite. Since then, the numbers have gradually increased. We're slowly walking into the period where memorials and tributes aren't relegated to actors before our time, but to the names and faces that shaped our views of entertainment -- the people who we have spent so much time with on the big screen, and within the comfort of our own homes.

But we're not just losing people to age. 2008 has been a heavy year for Hollywood, losing both rising stars and big names with long careers. Considering the fact that we just lost two more, I wanted to take a moment and look back at this year's shockers. Some of these men were young, some of these men were older, but all of them have left this earth too soon.